An illusion

Pregnancy has become tainted to me. Instead of joy and excitement, I feel nervous and scared. There was a time when all I saw was the joy in pregnancy. But I have seen too many friends have losses, read too many sad stories, experienced too much heartache, to think that everything will always be ok. I go to my ob appointments telling myself it will be ok if they don't find a heartbeat. I'm afraid to get my maternity clothes out of the attic because I would have to deal with them if something went wrong. What happened to the blissful denial of my last two pregnancies? Why did it seem so easy then? Was it all an illusion?